Being able to buy a cake just because you want one is one of the best parts about being an adult.

Person: How old are you? Me: I had a VCR as a kid

I wish it were socially acceptable to just walk away mid conversation when you’re bored.

According to WebMD I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I’ve officially reached the age where I understand why my parents never wanted to stop for anything on the way home from work.

Do you ever wish people came with a mute button?

I miss whatever age i was when I’d never heard about bills.

The worst thing about trying to parallel park are all the witnesses.

Welcome to adulthood. Occasional lower back pain is just part of life now.

I wouldn’t last long in a horror movie. I refuse to spend my last moments alive running.

My only five year plan is to try not have a mental breakdown.

Reasons why I never leave my house: 1. People

Me: Time for bed! My brain: Let’s think of all the awkward things you’ve done instead!

According to this box of macaroni and cheese I just ate I’m a family of 4.

I’m officially at the age where I understand why people go to bed at 9pm. It’s amazing.

Sometimes I think about how you’re never officially done doing laundry and get instantly irritated.

Friend 1: I got a new job! Friend 2: I bought a house! Me: I ate dinner over the sink so I wouldn’t have to wash dishes!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public everyone around you hates you.

I know a bag of Doritos hates to see me coming.

Friend: You can go big or go home. Me: I’m going home.