If #TheWonderYears were created today, it would take place AFTER the series finale of The Wonder Years. #whofeelsold?

Skip Bayless's name should never be in a sentence that doesn't also contain the word "who?". That's the only way he'll go away.

Thanks to #Vine I finally have a medium to excel at porn. #sixseconds

Just read a bumper sticker: "God's grace is sufficient." Seemed like an underwhelming endorsement for an omnipotent being. #godissufficient

Today was a good writing day. I'll take it every time.

If 30's the new 20 a lot of people are drinking underage.

Age has brought me the opposite of what I'd have thought; give me standup comics and really good rappers and keep your poets and novelists.

Fucking up is like failing forward. Just keep moving in the right direction.

#LASIK must hate #hipsters for making glasses cool. They should offer reversal surgery #ihadLasikReversalBeforeItWasCool

Nothing helps you get past petty personal issues like having heavy financial ones fuck you 10x harder. #fml

I'd run a terrible dating service for ends. I just can't make them meet. Shitty financial times call for shitty jokes. #ThebestIcanafford

If you say the term #Pew poll really fast it sounds like poophole. You're welcome, Twitter.

Vacations are for game show contestants. #driven

A lotta young women in Atlanta with men who look like their uncles. #justanobservation

Congratulations #apple, you did the impossible and made me f*cking hate rainbows.

I met a normal person once. It was weird.

Gravity makes the world go round.

You don't think you're superstitious til your barber says, at least you're not losing your hair, and you make her stop to go knock on wood.

Feeling that good kinda nervous #standup

It's possible I look back on this week as the best of my life. Those owed thanks know who you are. Expect a tag-riddled FB post soon.