The number one exercise I do at the gym is walking back to my car to get my headphones because I didn’t grab them.

The drama of Vanderpump rules has United us and even celebrities have opinions. Kailey Cuoco, Jerry O’Connel… I heard Michele Obama tell them to go low. Dropped her whole slogan and said be petty.

People be like, I’d you don’t have kids who will visit you in the nursing home. You’re telling me I have kids and I am still ending up in a nursing home?

I got a bird feeder that hangs in my window. I wanted to observe little birdies eating little seeds. Instead- bird massacre. Pigeon fights. I didn’t mean to create the colosseum.

Tomorrow! Cincy360 on ESPN 1530 Cincinnati will have Daniel Jeremiah talk all things NFL draft, we’re talking Reds,Bearcats, Muskies, FCC and more! And to cap it all off, comedian Kelly Collette will join me ahead of her return to Cincinnati this weekend.

You used to have to call a 1-800 number to order a mix CD

Crazy to think that after Wesley saves Princess Buttercup that she goes on 400 years later to be president of the United States

Once again I have turned down going to the Met Gala

She’s not like other Mom’s, because she doesn’t have any kids. Comedian Kelly Collette is in studio for the Indy 500. youtu.be/zPrydpIUXMc

I will run out of gas before I “see cashier” I literally refuse

Kelly Collette Great to have you back in Btown! Limestone Fest

How do you relax your shoulders. Like, for real.

Because he started watching The Bear without me… your Honor.

There’s no good reason a parking app would need to send me a marketing email. Ma’am you got my business by law.

📣 JUST ANNOUNCED 📣 Comedian Kelly Collette will be opening for Trae Crowder's Just Me & Y'all Tour at The Brown Theatre on July 23! 🎟 Get tickets now at bit.ly/KPATraeCrowder.

Career advice I just gave someone: Hey if you change cum rag to cum towel you might get a better laugh it’s just more clear

I’m headlining the Liberty Funnybone on Sunday! Tickets 🎫 Liberty.funnybone.com

Be considerate today. Remember, if your dogs are afraid of fireworks, take them inside, to my house. Please. Bring me dogs.

I’ve created an OF account for my top fans to sit in on my writing sessions and behind the scenes of comedy. My special is being taped in Chicago on Monday! Please come out :)

I don’t care what yall bishes are fighting about can I have healthcare please