Last night I dreamed that Dolly Parton performed a spiritual cleansing ceremony on me, so basically all my troubles are over.

Everyone is talking about "FRONCE!!" but I think it's time we also focus on this: youtu.be/KmIrkUScTSE?t=… #missuniverse

If I tell you I'll watch a scary movie or TV show with you, don't believe it. It's a trap. I'll watch eight minutes and bail. Six minutes if there's a dog.

Who's that lady Walkin through the store Does she smell like pickles? Yeah she smells like pickles Yeah she smells like pickles She's a pickle lady for sure, pickle lady for sure. It's me, I am the pickle lady, I spilled pickles on myself.

5-year-old: Am I in a video game? Me: No. 5-year-old: Why? Me: Because you're in real life. 5-year-old: What's real life? Me: Go ask Daddy. [runs away]

"You can’t have gotten to what will be your first sentence unless you write the 50 pages that lead you there. Nothing is wasted. Everything you do gets you closer or further to what you really wanna do but are too scared to. " bit.ly/3W4AtqZ

So my five-year-old was just showing me a rock and said, "This is the only rock I've ever brought inside," and I did a HA HA HA HA HA HA HA laugh like an evil villain. I surprised both of us to be honest.

Yesterday I bought a plant and it rode home in the front seat where its leaves reached the touch screen. It turned on country music multiple times, muted me when I was on the phone with my sister, and then called my mother-in-law.

Why do all kitchen trash bags smell like Satan's favorite perfume these days? Can't they just smell like plastic? Like someone's going to walk into your house when you have two-day-old fish packaging in your trash and be like, "Ooh, fresh citrus and lavender!"

I know two tweets in one night is excessive, but I just discovered Gmail's scheduled send feature, and it has already changed my life.

This reminds me to once again remark on how weird it was that they can't be together at the end of the movie. At least TRY for heaven's sake.

It's kind of nice when the front cars in BOTH lanes are looking at their phones and ignoring the green light, because then you can honk without worrying about hurting the wrong person's feelings.

IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU PEOPLE

One of the sweetest feelings in the world is when you pick up a random drawing your kids have made and admire the stars, hearts, unicorns, etc., and then you notice that they've written "MOM" on it. 💕 My heart melts every time.

I'm not mad at Past Katie for not buying me candy; I'm just disappointed in her.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you invent an entire Instacart order just to get the one thing you really care about, that one thing will be out of stock, no matter how weird it is that the store is out of, say, ALL 20-oz. diet sodas. 😭