Hopefully this one lasts longer.

I been out here not getting retweets longer than most of you have been alive. #MyTwitterAnniversary

My child: Papa, what was Twitter for? Me:

The CDC recommends your breasts be small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains.

They say the way you spend your New Year’s Eve is the way you’ll spend the new year. How is 2022 looking? I’ll start.

Finding the people in my feed who have announced social media breaks to start the year have helped me too—I realized THEY are the problem. I love it here now!

I think I speak for all comedians when I say we love to hear when you can’t come to our show.

To dedicate more time to family… kissing on the lips.

Let's get it!

Good opportunity to break into the animation writing world! netflixanimation.com/jobs/187615884

Join us for 2 events celebrating the voices of #middleeastern writers of the wga. #hireME RSVP HERE: linktr.ee/mideastwriters @mitrajouhari @KiraKalush MENA Arts Advocacy Coalition Cameron Ali Fay Paiman Kalayeh @mideastwriters @manoagapion Evan Mirzai Shea Mirzai Julián Kianí @wgawest

I’m moderating a virtual WGA panel Tues. at 7p on navigating the comedy writing world w/ writers ⁦John Aboud⁩ ⁦@mitrajouhari⁩ & ⁦@KiraKalush⁩. Sign up via the link! If you aren’t WGA but want to attend, hit me up! ⁦cc: Middle Eastern Writers⁩ linktr.ee/mideastwriters

Dwyane Wade’s political agenda exposed!

Know that even if I’ve only met you once I call you my friend in conversations.

Mr. Manchin, u just got Podesta’d *formerly meaning getting your email hacked, but now a dramatic political burn

Me listening to Dave Matthews Band in college to see what all the fuss was about

This is my first tweet since Twitter got worse. Now that I can say whatever I want w/o consequences... Season 3 of #FirstWivesClub has dropped! I was part of an awesome writer's room, and we hope you enjoy it. Lastly, the earth is neither flat nor round. It's a rhombus. Fight me!

Okay but like does he even know?

Came out of retirement to share some important news