Tonight at 9 facebook.com/story.php?stor…

It’s rodeo time in Las Vegas. You can easily spot the Canadian riders by their 37.854 Liter hats

I got a Star Shower, but I don’t want to be “that guy”, so I point it at my neighbors house.

Which do you dislike more, an empty refrigerator or a very full refrigerator?

Wife- “Who are you yelling at out there?” Me- “A crow” Wife “ A crow?” Me- “Hey, I didn’t start this”

Oral B might sell more toothbrushes in Hispanic neighborhoods if they expand the line to include Orale

Alright, I’m sorry. It’s the second dumbest thing you’ve ever said.

My signature move on New Years Eve is to turn on every light in the house, so as a dad, I have that reference point for shouting about leaving lights on.

Still true facebook.com/story.php?stor…

Still true facebook.com/story.php?stor…

My wife is an assistant principal now, but that’s just because she’s still working her way through stripper school.

On Sunday I’ll turn 53. That’s the age where you stop calling them Altoids, and start offering people a “peppermint”

Come celebrate my birthday early with me facebook.com/story.php?stor…

Recent guest, to my wife “Your house plants look so healthy” Me “Yeah, you’ll never convince me that boogers and pocket lint are bad for them”

In the 1920’s the Packers coach would give his team a halftime talk and a pepperoni. This was later shortened to a pep talk

I feel you kid videosgifs.com/comida/bebe-pr…

When I tell people my cousins are twins, the question is always how do I tell them apart. Jacqueline always wears a ponytail, and Brian is a dude.

Tonight at 9pm facebook.com/story.php?stor…

Husband “There’s a package here from the florist” Wife “It must be from your girlfriend” Husband “She’s not stupid” Wife “What” Husband “What”

Stuck in Honolulu airport because United Airlines is horrible. A 6 hour delay, flight rerouted to add an extra hour to the flight, followed by missing a connecting flight in LA. Totally unacceptable way to treat veterans