Rest assured folks: currently going full-poltergeist at Ivan Provorov's house.

The conversation at the dinner table is always lively and engaging.

Well, it is until J.R.R. Tolkien starts fucking talking about elves.

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

List of who's gotten into a fight with Hemingway:

-Max Eastman
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
-James Cain
-Gertrude Stein (twice: 1st during the Lions game, then over 'canned or fresh cranberry sauce?')
-Larry, my neighbor
-Phil from accounting
-a lamp

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

-Bourbon-glazed turkey
-Whiskey-gravy
-Wine-reduction sauce
-Rum-infused sweet potatoes
-Orange-liquor duck
-Pot stuffing
-Cranberry sauce a la LSD
-Pumpkin pie with cocaine-whip topping
-PCP-peas

Menu for #DeadAuthorThanksgiving

Pro-tip: be a polite guest! If asked 'Would you help set the table?', don't respond with 'I would prefer not to.' *Looks in Herman Melville's direction*

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

Eugene O'Neill, Arthur Miller, and Hallie Flanagan are telling the greatest Federal Theatre Project story about Orson Welles and a turkey. So it's 1937 and :::joke cut due to budget cuts:::

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving Dr. Amy Brady

Guess who, once again this #DeadAuthorThanksgiving , needs a ride and a place to crash??

Here's a clue: it's Thoreau.

Memo to Kurt Vonnegut: I love you man, but please don't point to everyone's waistline mid-dinner and say 'So it goes' at this year's #DeadAuthorThanksgiving again.

I really hope it's a good #DeadAuthorThanksgiving this year. I also really hope that, just once, no one tries to aggressively sell an auto and home insurance bundle to the other guests.

*glances in the direction of Wallace Stevens*

*Baking pies with William Shakespeare for the #DeadAuthorThanksgiving *

Me: 'Will, there's too much filling in that pumpkin pie'

Will: *giggles*

Me: *sighs*

Will: *giggles* 'I need to be careful with each MEASURE

Me: Will..don't...

Will: FOR MEASURE!!!

Me: Damn you

Not gonna lie: looking forward to Stan Lee, Tom Wolfe, John Updike, and Gore Vidal getting into an argument over who had the best guest spot on The Simpsons

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

BILL OAKLEY

Not to brag, but I'm a great #DeadAuthorThanksgiving cook. Here are some of my tips:

Pecan pie - add bourbon

Sweet potatoes - add bourbon

Cranberry sauce - add bourbon

Mashed potatoes - sprinkle with laudanum

Charles Dickens: 'John thanks for inviting me to the #DeadAuthorThanksgiving !! I have great expectations for this meal!'

Me:

Dickens:

Me: 'Get the fuck out.'

Me: Kurt, did you eat ALL the cranberry sauce?

Vonnegut: So it goes...

Me: And the kale salad?

Vonnegut: So it goes...

Me: Do I even want to ask about my pecan pie?

Vonnegut: POO-TEE-WEET!

Me: *sighs*

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving William Montanaro🌹

Me: WHY IS MY LINEN TABLE-CLOTH STAINED WITH ALL THIS RED!!

Kerouac: Sorry John -- I spilled my special...*pause*

Me:

Kerouac: BEAT SALAD!!!

Me: Get the fuck out.

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

Me: Hunter! You made it! 17 hours late, but you made it!

Thompson: I MADE YOU A PIE FOR THIS DEPRAVED DINNER!

Me: *confused* this is just a bowl of pills.....

Thompson: ON ADVICE OF MY LAWYER, YOU SHOULD SHUT UP.

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

Plath: John, do you need any help?

Me: Sylvia, yes! Would you hand me that JAR of marinated BELL peppers?

Plath *rolls eyes, giggles*:

Ted Hughes appears out of nowhere, grabs jar: THIS IS MINE NOW TOO

#DeadAuthorThanksgiving

✨x - Glitter Bomb Barbie✨ Jj

One of the traditons of the #DeadAuthorThanksgiving is Arthur Miller's Thanksgiving pagent. Sure he makes a bunch of kid actors cry, but damn, it makes you think about repression and conformity

Me: While I do love hosting the #DeadAuthorThanksgiving , I guess it's unfair that I end-up hosting it every year...

Hemingway: So it's not a Movable Feast then??

Me: Jesus I hate you.

At the store getting stuff for the #DeadAuthorThanksgiving . Kinda in a panic folks. This cake recipe from Emily Dickinson says:
eggs, milk, shortening, & 'childhood --some forms of hope -- the dead.' Can't find that last one. Baking aisle?