Muting my peaceful river video to listen to the neighbors fight.

A debilitating disorder where you end every conversation with "Thanks for being a guest on the pod."

You can only get away with saying Jersey. If you dropped the "New" and only said "York" people would think you're insane and possibly a Revolutionary War reenactor.

Twitter 2011: Making 38 jokes in a row about a trending topic even though only 5 at most were funny and half your followers would be begging you to stop. Good times.

about to start spreading misinformation

Saying I'm an agent of a foreign government and seeing if it helps me get more work.

Not now, pitching myself to a guy who books a comedy show that pays $9.

Every "First Day of School" pic looks like the turning point in that kid's villain origin story.

"They would have been 189 years old today" Yes, and that would be terrifying and insane.

I think Aaron Rodgers should play it safe this season and walk out with two small American flags instead.

It's good that Kansas City won the Super Bowl last year otherwise the NFL would have been shut down and various cities would be skipped during the Eras Tour.

"Mama mia, I'm a da freakin Penguin ova here!" - Colin Farrell in the new HBO Max series

CNN just announced they're bringing Chris Cuomo back and giving him a 6 hour time slot.

It's not tyranny, it's DiGiorno! Which is now the only pizza you're allowed to eat.

Me and the boys meeting up on a Friday night to debate and then follow it up with 6 straight hours of arguing online. All of us are divorced.

The news just announced that the new Beetlejuice is woke.

Not a fan of this local restaurant but I found out that Dick Cheney used their bathroom once so now I'm in!

New York is a great place to get irrationally mad at a family of 5 for absolutely no reason.

Just telling myself that all mainstream news stories are written by AI even if they're clearly not.

All of the new Linkin Park songs are just going to be about lack of engagement on social media.