2yo is supposed to be sleeping but called me into his room to "look at the booger" on his finger. And honestly it was pretty impressive.

When my 5yo is mad at me, she threatens to not take care of me when I'm old. Which is pretty f-d up since that's the whole reason I had her to begin with.

To anyone who isn't socially awkward... how?

First thing 3yo said this morning was that he has sprinkles in his eyes, which should be the official name for having sleep in your eyes.

I used a lot of the money I got from my mom’s wrongful death lawsuit to pay off my student loans. And now everyone’s getting $10,000 forgiven? I am so happy for you guys! I hope this relieves some stress in your life.

5yo just said “nothing matters,” clearly been reading the right amount of Carl Sagan.

Remember when solar eclipses were a much bigger deal in the '90s because there was nothing else going on?

Today on the 405 in Los Angeles. We are waiting adidas.

My daughter told me that she heard the new principal at her school can do a headstand. Kindergarten gossip is wholesome.

Horror movie idea: One long scene where parent explains gift giving to 3-year-old who cannot grasp that all the presents are not for him and throws a fit for 2 hours.

I was in a loud area and couldn’t hear my audio book. So I tried to find a subtitle option. Which I realized is… the book.

It’s pretty fucked up that with all the horrible things in this world we have to worry about, at any point, earth can just shift a little and kill us. Like, we should be able to rely on the ground to just stay put.

In Frozen the musical, Anna turned to the audience and said "I'm not the heir, I'm just the spare" and only a few of us got it. I wanted to scream from the back row with my two kids "I GET THE JOKE" so she never stops saying it.

Flying to Hawaii with my family. A woman on Hawaiian Airlines, also with her young kids, looked at us wearing masks as we walked past her to get to our seats and said “that’s torture,” then blew her breath all over us. I’m assuming by “torture” she meant the stench of her breath.

You know how under cover cops can place a DIY siren on top of their car in an emergency? That, but for parents when their kids are throwing up all over their car seats.

My 4-yr-old told me I have a cut on my forehead. I looked in the mirror and it was a wrinkle.

Imagine going through life not thinking you have appendicitis every time you feel a pain in your lower right abdomen.

Best take I've seen so far in regards to Trump's assination attempt.

Spheres of Tara sounds like mid-century modern decor you’d buy at Wayfair.