them: do you take after your mom or dad me: I’m more like my dad in my sense of humor but I’m more like my mom in that I’m still alive

Mood poisoning 🤭😂

I did not expect this. 🤣🤣

My girls finally start school today so I gave them a hug and kiss goodbye and peeled the fuck out.

When I say I’m ready for some football that means I’ll stay awake until midway through the second quarter

How to deal with a Karen 💀

Work should have a Field Day. I’d smoke Steve from Accounting in the 100-yard dash. Now approve my expense report, bish!

Absolutely terrifying shot of a Great White deep in the black depths 🦈

now i understand why old people sit outside just to sit outside

Accepting Emily doesn't mean you forget.

If your path demands you to walk through hell, walk as if you own the place…Embrace the suck

I purposely leave strategically placed fingerprints on the mirror to hide my trouble spots

Dear error message, I have no fkn clue who my network administrator is! xoxo, Jay

HOLY SHIT THEY HAVE CLOWNS TOO!? - my first rodeo

Me- Are you ready for school? 13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy? Me- I’ll meet you in the car

I always hear that eating cum makes your pineapples taste better but I’m not really noticing any difference.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

I didn’t like the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror…so I asked him to close his stall door