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If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens dont wear hats

Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You're weird as crap. Body: You're fat. Face: You're pretty ugly too. Food: Don't worry, I'm here for you.

You know when you have a bunch of cotton in your mouth? That's what it feels like right meow..

Life's a garden, dig it.

Reading magazines in a doctors office really freaks me out 😷

Agreed.

Our screensaver at work for some reason 😂 I guess we have a couple fans Tom Hanks

RT if this should be next year's Super Bowl halftime show...

Who will be my Valentine?

Best Actor: L. DiCaprio - Wolf of Wall St. B. Dern - Nebraska Me - Fake laughing when u made a joke + I couldn't hear you.

I need these little girls that go around picking up the figure skaters' flowers to come pick up my dishes.

I like hanging out with old ppl cuz they don't judge how many naps I take.

Pretty sure I talk to people the same way Michael Cera does in super bad.

Probably the greatest day of my life was when I was born, and I'll never remember it. #classicspenny

Listening to really good music and driving baked is seriously dangerous.

When I see names carved into a tree...

It’s World Vegetarian Day! Why was the guy surprised when he saw a woman celebrating Vegetarian Day? He’d never seen herbivore.