You know you’re emotionally free when you can listen to Taylor sing “you’re the loss of my life” and not think of a single person

I can’t explain why but I just feel safer when the guy that fights the air is in the gym with me

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Over/under on me catching a suspension as a result of the replies to the tweet about my mom

A guy I was seeing saw a picture of my mom from when she was younger and said “yeah I would bang her”

Dear reader , my mom had been dead for just about a year at the time of this comment (and he definitely knew that )

I can’t wait until the shitty men find out we’d pick a crocodile and an angry Canada Goose too

I’ll admit at first glance I was like “oh here we go” but I listened to him and now I’m like “HERE WE FUCKING GOOOO”

Imagine if all your tweets started auto posting to Facebook for all of your family to see

going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?

H O T C H E E T O S I N B I O

Make no mistake, these limp dick losers laughing at the hockey bear meme exist outside of Twitter . They just don’t have the balls to make eye contact with a woman let alone run their mouths like they do from behind the safety of a cartoon avi and an anonymous account