In general the besuited masses don't wear grippy shoes. So they're the ones who suffer from slippy pavements the most. That makes me happy.

A guy holding festive carrier bags tripped on my loose paving stone. I heard a crunchy tinkle. And swearing. Not so happy Christmas for him.

@sallycrawford No. I deliberately keep that paving stone wobbly for my own entertainment. It's brought me hours of pleasure.

Five odd gloves and two scarves on me right now. I might go into competition with The Gap soon.

Somebody's been sick into their orange take-away carton and left it on my pavement. Probably more appetising than its original contents.

An entire class of French kids met an entire class of German kids coming the other way. Bizarrely they both swore at each other in English.

@KateSweetPRlady Oh. Ehm. Arse.

If you're planning to drop loose change between my paving stones, please remember to add the extra 2.5% VAT. Many thanks.

A black Labrador lifted his leg on me. It's so hot he only produced steam.

A guy just walked across me with several sheets of blue toilet paper stuck to his shoe. Who buys BLUE toilet paper? Must have been cheap.

In case you're interested, that blonde girl's shoes cost £4.99 in the Office sale. She's not taken the sticker off the sole yet.

So where's the rain that was forecast? I could do with a refreshing shower. The reservoir under my squirty paving stone has dried up.

If it doesn't rain soon, my gutters will heal up.

Miffed: Someone spills a small £18 pot of organic houmous on me. Delighted: A Belgian tourist in sandals slips on it.

Could someone please squirt a few bottles of Imperial Leather shower gel up and down my pavements? I want to enjoy this power shower.

Hahaha humans - your umbrellas won't protect you from my wobbly paving stone that squirts dirty water up your trouserleg.

Yawn *stretch*. What happened? Did I miss anything?

Yes people. It's cold. Stop talking about it and put on a bloody jumper.

A small dog just wolfed down the remnants of a kebab, couldn't handle the chilli sauce and quickly redeposited it on my pavement. Ugh!

That's three businessmen on their arses. And eight with water up their leg from my wobbly paving slab. I love snow.