At the age where I have to be efficient about picking up things. I’m not bending over for a single dropped item

At the age where I have to be efficient about picking up things. I’m not bending over for a single dropped item

I can promise you one thing, if me and the homies ever find the planet of the apes that mf getting gentrified in a hurry

Me: Hey! Nobody sniffs those for free

My dog in the laundry basket:

[At the baby carrots factory]

Quality Control Guy: Not wet enough. Send ‘em back

She lives down the hill from me & told me to kick rocks. Call that Sisyphean feet

One thing about me, if I come across an unexpected item that’s light enough to lift, you better believe I’m gonna try to make a whimsical hat out of it

Drunk with power except it’s just me sipping whiskey on a light pole

Sorry everyone. That one was on me. I accidentally washed my game day shirt after a win

Cute first date idea

Beatboxing into the void

girl, who is you playin with
back that file up

- my only day working in IT

if they don’t stop slutting up these psoriasis commercials imma act up

Me: Wow. You’re strong. Do you work out?

The In Door:

A reboot with all the original actors called Children of the Creamed Corn

Person: That’s such a noble profession

Teacher: Thank you

Person: No, thank YOU

Teacher: [smiles]

Person: … for selling plasma today. Here’s your thirty-eight dollars

no he was 3 boyfriends ago, my great great boyfriend

She was a bubbling cauldron of patience

Buying a ring and throwing away my condoms. Who’s ready to make some red-state porn?

Her: It’s called blushing

Me: I know. I just like making up cute nicknames for the things you do

Her: There’s nothing cute about “face boner”