In America You can do drugs legally and kill people if you have enough money. How can you not love this place?

If it snows in Denver on 4/20 goats won't help white people do yoga for another six weeks.

'I want to be remembered as salad dressing' - Paul Newman

I know I’m not the party boy I was once known to be because no one offered me a show on 4/20. 🧐

So to remind you: I still love celebrating Hitler’s birthday.

For Dave Attell new special!

Yesterday I sold a tv show then took 2 shots to celebrate then watched Zone of Interest then threw up then ate chicken. A perfect day.

HOLY SHIT.

We are back Thursday night The Comedy Store with Cameron Esposito Tom Rhodes Megan Gailey and more! Don’t miss this incredible, intimate show. showclix.com/event/perfect-…

Swifties, rise up.

The Hippie Not Hippie Podcast latest has Carmen Lynch and Alex Hooper. Subscribe and watch on YouTube or listen to pod. It rules. And I'm not just saying that because a host plugged Vail Comedy Festival mid-episode (about 10 min in they talk about me) youtube.com/watch?v=fnz8EW…

Pro Tip: Spiraling out of control is way more interesting than getting there directly.

Hell yeah Amy Silverberg

Baltimore! Go see the incredible Steph Tolev

Internet strangers keep commenting that my face looks like a nutsack but none of them mention that is also tastes like one!

Shout out to the five people who’s tweets I see even though I follow thousands. You five are the real deal.

When you finally hit the right spot. reddit.com/r/interestinga…

My standup is in an amazing groove right now. I would love to do your show.

A LOT of comics need to watch and absorb this part of the conan hot ones