I can’t even be bothered to finish writing my twee

People think you’re crazy when you talk to yourself.

That’s why I talk to the furniture.

my son just called a vegetable peeler a carrot sharpener so that’s what it is now

I love how the word 'atone' wears its heart on its sleeve. It began as 'at one', because to atone is to bring back unity. Atonement is really 'at-one-ment'.

In the same way, 'alone' began as 'all one'.

I think my ‘fear of missing out’ is broken.

My house looks messy when other people are in it.

I think it’s them.

Amazon: Your package was delivered, tell us how we did.

Well, you made it to my postcode.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust into them.

Or something like that.

Spending time with my son reminds me why I want to be alive.

Sundays and weed go together like strawberries and cream.

Sometimes I’m only a big ball of frustration that screams.

Most people don’t like it when you refer to unborn babies as parasites.

I only punctuate my sentences with swear words because it really irritates the fake kindness cunts.

Taking someone else’s pain and making it all about you is not empathy.

It’s important to have a reason to get out of bed every day.

I suppose I should thank my bladder.

Who looked at caramel and thought: “this shit needs salt”?

You can’t all be right but we could all be wrong.

I think about that often.

Sometimes the nonsense in my head makes perfect sense.

The procrastination is tomorrow’s problem.

No one wants to die but you don’t always want to be alive.

It’s hard to explain.