I just wanna buy things until I die… which actually seems like very achievable goals

My love language is when you cancel on me before I cancel on you 😏

Tell me you’re from LA without telling me you’re from LA

My morning affirmations be like: *kicks off the sheets* Nothing can stop me!!!! … Except maybe how comfy this bed is right now *re-wraps self like a sleepy burrito*

It’s like the saying goes, “ask and you shall …wish you never asked”

Me: I don’t have anxiety Also me: Can I unsend an email after five years?

Pool days are so important because let’s face it, we’re not real friends until you’ve seen the cellulite on my ass

“I want you to come home just once without accusing me of jerking off while you were gone” -cute shit my husband says 🥰

I don’t get it but I want to -a memoir

As a parent I have a lot of concerns like “When can I lay down?” and “How can I be laying down more?”

I ate too many figs and now my tongue hurts, so yeah… I party 😏

My whole personality today is “should work out but just going to be a bitch instead” thank you for your support

VEGAS!! We’re here all weekend, come celebrate pride with us. Heather Pasternak lindsay @jimmykimmelscomedyclub OCT 5-8. TIX in my linktree! #vegays

I just want my husband to lust after me the way mosquitoes do

Being a mom is like working out, I don’t wanna do it

Happy holidays y’all! It’s like they say, the holidays are for feeling sad and getting coffee with your ex 🥰✨

Guys this show is helping homeless youth, roll through and show some love HaHa Comedy Club Heather Pasternak Chris Estrada: July 26th Visalia, CA James Stanly

There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind that don’t like listening to voice notes and the kind that are trying to kill us