The father of my children, who has known me for 10 years, just said to me “Bread is not that important.” I am so disappointed. I thought he knew me better.

Can relate

I took a quiz on how to find my personal style and it said I was “1989 t-shirt from a team building retreat”

Out of all the things parents ask of their children Mary only asked Jesus for one thing…more wine. I get it now.

Some of these conservative women be pro-life in the streets, but pro-choice in the sheets 👀

That time I was a voice actor on #SquidBillies, #AdultSwim m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mlsn_Y…

#ScorpioSeason

What used to be science fiction is now real life. Why were we as a planet so cool with the announcement aliens are real? We’re like “Cool. Back to TikTok.”

You still Twitter to me boo.

I just told my boyfriend that I don’t mind him having his personal time away from me and the kids. See? I’m stillstill funny.

Target, you’re on notice 👀

I reject this day. It has broken me. I’m closing the blinds, turning on my space heater, and driving under my covers. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my Bed Womb.

If I tell him that Aunt Flo is in town, he replies, “Well, how’d she like to meet Uncle Dick?“

“Mom says we can have it if it’s a good deal.”

Some of these women have had so much work done it looks like they went to Build A Bitch.

Him: So you think you have big balls now, huh? Me: My balls are so big they scrape the sidewalk.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Was just in a pool that was so warm and crowded it felt like licking a shoe in a bowling alley, and then smoking a cigarette butt you found in a diner ashtray while sharting without underwear on in line at TSA. #poolside #summer #Vance

What’s with the YouTube algorithm for kids?! I’m an 80s kid so I KNOW weird, but this is more disturbing than if John Waters, Richard O’Brien, and Lars Von Trier got together to make a rock opera, directed by Tim Burton. I am grateful for anyone who gets this.