If you are looking for some good ol’ fashioned virtual zoom comedy then I have the show for you. 8pm tonight. DM for link. #quarantits #zoom #standup

Due to coronavirus I’ve gained a few pounds and I’ve only been wearing sweat pants for past 6 months. Today I tried to pull up a pair of jeans and it looked like someone tried to put a pillow inside a sock.

I’m really worried about Americas future because we have to choose between two candidates that probably still haven’t figured out how to use Zoom.

Congress is talking about a second $1200 stimulus check. Based on their brilliant math from the previous check, it should get us through the next 2 years.

We should cancel our culture.

Recently did the @golfersdoingthings podcast w/ @jakemadams3 and @brilliantlydumb where we deep dive into what tees should Caitlyn Jenner play from, golfing with the cast from Entourage and why golf needs steroids. Link in bio.

The government can’t agree of we should vote by mail or in person. Because of this, we will end up voting by Zoom.

can’t believe there’s 2 more of whatever the fuck that was

Now Joe Biden knows what its like to do a Zoom Comedy Show when someone’s grandpa forgot to mute himself.

Chris Wallace was like a door guy at a comedy club that wanted to throw the heckler out, but the heckler was the owners son.

If this is the best Democracy can produce then I think its time we took a buzzfeed poll to figure out a better system.

The people that are still undecided are the same people that hold up the self checkout line because it takes them 15 minutes to figure out how to weigh a tomato.

If someone is asked to denounce white supremacy and they ignore the question, they definitely wear socks and sandals, cargo shorts, and think their wife just has low libido.

Do you ever accidentally take a selfie of yourself at a weird angle and look at it and think, jesus I need to get my life together.

My friend is going to an event tomorrow that sums up 2020 in 2 words: Zoom Funeral.

I’m getting older and my body can really feel it. I just cracked my back sneezing really hard.

Tom Brady has more rings than my phone when Spectrum calls. #SuperBowlLV #sports #comedy

Why are there so many 3 legged dogs? Is there a war on treats that we don’t know about?

Getting wild out here. #golf #TigerWoods