Apropos, the single worst wedding speech I’ve ever seen was given by someone who actually is a “professional speaker” and mentioned it at the start of his speech

not to harp on this, but i've become aware that i don't feel that ilhan omar is an american in the way that i'm an american, and i don't believe she wants to be. her civic heart clearly lies overseas. in a legal sense, sure, she's a citizen. but it's shared sentiment, not

Life’s the best

Reminder that the US spent research and development dollars on nuclear batteries, gave the tech to China, and banned US firms from working on it.

Me putting Christmas lights up: “ho ho ho all that matters is that they are FESTIVE and LOOK NICE” Me taking Christmas lights down: “I want to murder the blind drunk idiot who strung these up this way”

My income is taxed at 47% and then taxed again at 21% when I invest it in public companies, and then again at 20% when they return profits to me. And if I save too much, it will be taxed again at 40% when I pass it to my kids. Also, "one time tax" my ass.

like this is not cost disease this is throwing away 5 million dollars because everyone involved is genuinely bad. Multiply this by an uncomfortable number. Calling it Despicable People Disease would be more accurate. x.com/adampnathan/st…

Jay the Hero 🥊 Yes, if the reasons are insufficiently interrogated, it becomes an incantation that people can use to make excuses for excess spending. Technology is doing more with less. Many sectors have managed to do more with more, or less with more, and behind those tendencies is policy.

A classic gender euphoria: driving car late at night to visit family, 3 kids sleeping in the back seats and wife sleeping in the passenger seat

*rocking a teething baby to sleep while answering work emails on Saturday night* “I should go play age of empires….”

Life in New York City is getting a ticket for walking through the between-car subway doors to get out of the subway car that has someone passed out in their own feces

Selfishness is when you vote for your interests. Morality is when you vote for *my* interests.

Babies are so weird baby girl had like 4-5 days eating 1.25-1.5x what she was before and then at the end of that started sitting upright unassisted and started babbling new sounds for the first time

I highly recommend getting ur toddler a wooden toy train set - you will never regret getting ur toddler a wooden toy train set

Watching pluribus and I said “these people are a traitor to the human race” about 30 seconds before Rhea Seehorn’s character said it almost verbatim to the group of feckless survivors lol “You have a lot in common with this grumpy lesbian” [beautiful compliment from my wife]

Here’s what I’ve learned after 3 kids: - babies are pets, it’s like taking care of a hamster - 2 year olds and above are people, you just talk to them - 1 year olds are fast freaky little aliens with no reasoning and no sense of self-preservation, good luck.

Me building an ikea dresser:

The appropriate sentence for someone who rapes a stranger at gun point kidnaps them empties their bank account then sodomizes them is actually death. Wanting their sentence to be reduced as the person says to the court they have no remorse and threatens the female prosecutor is

1st gen Italian grandfather would famously drop wife and kids off at the front door of the church, “go look for a parking spot,” and then make his way through a pack of cigarettes in the parking lot 😂