Ok cute but how are we supposed to drink these?

Ambien: doesn’t work

Melatonin: doesn’t work

Sleepy Time Tea: doesn’t work

Being tried in criminal court for paying hush money to a porn star: best sleep of my life

Officially speaking, the Poets Department was actually just using enhanced interrogation techniques.

BREAKING: Taylor Swift orders tortured poets department to waterboard Man From Nantucket

At this point Jimmy Carter is more alive than I am.

My iCloud storage is full so yeah, you could say my cup runneth over.

THEY’RE TRYING TO PUT CHUCK SCHUMER ON THE TRUMP JURY!!!

Call me naive but when this box arrived I thought the plant might be, idk… bigger.

Jo-Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat

Orpheus when he’s leaving the underworld and can’t hear Eurydice’s footsteps following him:

This is so exciting I’m jumping for joy!

And this is why the United States can’t have a monarchy.

I can imagine no greater punishment than working the afternoon shift at a Starbucks next to a middle school.

Always show up 30 minutes late to work. It’s a sign of respect, showing your colleagues you took extra time to get ready, and allows them to settle in before you make your grand entrance.

RIP O.J.

Keeping Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and the whole family in my thoughts during this difficult time.

Heartwarming: law enforcement escort funeral procession of fallen community hero O.J. Simpson

Can someone explain why taking a train from NYC to Montréal takes twelve hours and costs almost as much as flying?

Bird flu? Yeah, that’s why they have wings.

Is he… you know…

Witnessing a grand astronomical event like an eclipse really makes you feel small. It’s like nature’s ozempic.