I started flipping a nickel

If you fill out this form i can come do standup close to you. Also itll help me quit my job. If youve never seen me do standup before imagine youre at a grocery store and the guy that helps you cancel an item at self checkout says a joke about your apples

docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAI…

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Saw this baby at Longhorn watching a video on how to bench press

I couldn’t find where it rolled to

American airlines lets you have 20 minutes of free wifi if you watch one of their sponsored ads so i watched a 3 minute chase bank video. After the video it said the wifi was down and i think it was the most eye opening experience of how much power and money i dont have

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

In 2007 the CEO of AMC Adam Aron paid me $2500 to create a show about drugs and teaching. You guys probably know the show as Breaking Bad but here was the original script

I wrote for Zack and Cody for about 3 months back in 2006 heres some of my scripts that never made it to air

Does anyone like pez? Like is there anybody that just gets home from work and is like time to spoil myself with some pez