The tour schedule is looking fuuuuull but I’m always down to add more stops. Lmk where you want me to perform

I ascend to heaven when I get a quiplash of all “haha” reacts in my hometown groupchat

Whoever made chocolate covered strawberries a sex thing, wtf. They’re so good I want them all the time

I’ve been staring at The Bean for over 30 minutes and can’t find a joke to make. Imma go rub it aimlessly until something happens

A unicycle is always poppin’ a wheelie

Dad: You’re going nowhere in life, son! Son (Who’s About To Invent The Treadmill): Hold on what did you just say?

Did you know they still make Big Bootie Mixes even after you graduate college??

BREAKING NEWS! Your high school classmate had a baby and it’s ugly! More on Instagram.

The 28-City Tour Dates 🎟️

Rapper: Yo DJ spin that shit! DJ: *crying* It’s not shit! Shut up!

Tour kicks off this month!

Did you know that crudité translates to “throw this away”

I’m sick of micro-plastics hiding in my food. Now I eat a credit card with butter every morning so I know what I’m putting in my body

The perfect beer for Wario & WaLuigi

When a bunch of Onlyfans models live on the same street it’s called a “railroad”

Biologist: What are we supposed to call the outer layer of trees? His Dog: I got just the thing

The person who named all the berries must have really hated a guy named “Dingle”

This is my entry for those “funny” edgy shirts that Facebook Moms love: “It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, and today I feel like working out”

Playing & really liking drinking games in your 30s says that you really like to win while also losing everything else in your life

Internet hall of fame