“Vox populi, vox dei,” I intone, blocking another person for disagreeing with my opinions.

I pause for a moment before sending out another companywide email:

“Any employees who speak Latin, come up to the 10th floor. I will be here until midnight!”

Maybe someone can explain.

“I’m an immigrant just like you! That’s how I know none of you mind working today, unlike the Americans, spending the day with their families. WE’RE a family! A HARDCORE family!” I say to my staff comprised entirely of H1B holders who cannot leave if they want to stay in the US.

“You hacks! You fools! You nincompoops! You stooges!” I cackle, firing several more workers with a significantly smaller severance package than was given to those who opted out of Twitter 2.0.

Loyalty is for the weak, and should never be rewarded.

I’ve been awake for the last 96 hours, alternating between cocaine and “microdosing” LSD the entire time.

I’ve had an epiphany:

The blue check should be an NFT.

I am staggered by the awesome expanse of my own brilliance.

I am a genius.

People keep using MY SITE to MAKE FUN of ME.

They don’t appreciate my genius like I do.

I’ll show them. I’ll ban them all.

That will lead to a gathering place of only the finest minds. I am brilliance incarnate, I AM the marketplace of ideas!

I’ve come up with another genius plan:

Ignore disinformation!

There’s no need to do content moderation if I simply alter the terms of service to allow the behavior we were previously struggling to address.

This is so easy, why does everyone think content moderation is hard?

“How much can one Wikipedia cost?” I ask myself while thoughtfully stroking my chin.

Surely I can afford it; everything is a company, and all companies are for sale.

I am very good at Business.

“Sure, you might think losing $200 billion dollars is a bad thing, but if you really think about it, I’m being a disruptor! An innovator! No one is as good at unnecessarily burning cash as I am, this is clearly evidence of my superior intellect!”

“If I fire enough people, I can become more popular than the President and the Superbowl combined!” I cry, still completely unaware that the only jokes I post that people find funny are the ones mocking me.

*desperately googling “how to spend more time with children who despise me”*

*takes a hit off a joint*

“Brains are too wet to catch fire, right?”