'People laughing at Laurence Fox, sir. Thousands of 'em, sir.'

'I would like to book 2 return tickets from Newark Northgate to Cardiff please, in June and as it's a special occasion, perhaps First Class.'
'Certainly sir... That will be £913.29.'
'But that's about £5 a mile?!'
'Isn't privatised rail marvellous sir.'

'And that was 'We're a coffee nation, not a tea nation anymore', by 'The Irredeemably Stupid'.'

“Why have you bricked Henry into the tunnel?” Thomas asked the Fat Controller

“He’s a Tory and the greedy bastard doesn’t want to be re-nationalised.” Replied the Fat Controller.

Oliver Dowden reduced to the political equivalent of roadkill by Angela Rayner... oh why do they dislike her sooooooo very much? 🤔
#PMQs

'There are people out there in small boats that me, and my mate Ben Habib, would quite happily let drown.'

Bow down to my Tuesday night Yorkies!

Don’t inject bleach.

And don’t vote for the guy who told you to inject bleach.

'So we have changed the law to declare the sea is safe.'
#Rwanda

'Tell fucking Gove it's a drinks and deportation party so to keep away from the fucking nose candy until the puffy faced twat has voted.'

Rishi Sunak's press conference summarised:

Kudos to C4 for signing up Emily Maitlis to present their election night coverage. 👍

“So, Energy Secretary Claire Coutinho, this month William Wragg has been caught in a honey trap & dick-picked a stranger, while Mark Menzies has been held hostage in a sex dungeon, but let me ask you about Angela Rayner…”

#bbclaurak

“Er, President Putin sir, they have ummmm, er, passed, errrrr, the Bill, er, ummmm, sir…”

“Fuuuuuuuuck.”

#SlavaUkraini 🇺🇦

“What’s that Lassie? There’s a Tory MP locked in a sex dungeon who wants rescuing, but you don’t want to as he tried to get you pissed and was being inappropriate? Yeah, fuck ‘im.”

“What is this game Christopher Robin?”

“I used to drop a stick in the river Pooh and see how quickly it went under the bridge… now I just count the poo.”

“You! Young people! You see all that wonderful opportunity, education, and experience the EU are offering you? Well, you can’t have it! Not sorry. Just don’t want to upset Nige and the gammon.”

“What’s that Lassie? A Tory MP is locked in a sex dungeon and wants rescuing? Nah, girl, let’s leave him there.”

'... so you're saying I am mentally fit to work?'