I'm beginning to suspect wrapping is not my strong suit.

We had some friends over for hot tubbing tonight. After... Me: That was a great Friday night! Elle: It ain't over... Me, a little bit excited, not gonna lie: Oh yeah? What else is happening? Elle: Probably some decaf and the rest of that bran muffin.

I just got an email from Amazon with the subject "Lady with great ass writes book." Oh wait. Sorry. I read it wrong. It says, "New from Elle Spencer." In any event, my awesome wife's ski lodge rom-com is now available everywhere. 🥳 smile.amazon.com/dp/B09XZT3QY7/…

Our cleaning person picked up my wife's bell to dust under it and I STOOD UP.

Is somebody fucking kidding me? It's missing. If anyone has seen it, please return immediately. And by "anyone," I mean... Probably Max Bettie or Elle Spencer. It's possible they are in cahoots. If anyone needs me, I'll be consulting with my attorney.

My wife has been away this week at a family wedding while I stayed behind to supervise a roof replacement and generally make messes in the house. I get her back in two hours and I am beyond excited. Yeah, I know. It's like, tell me she's the one without telling me she's the one.

Well, I guess this is what I get when she comes in from cleaning the garage in 105 degree heat to find me hanging out eating an ice cream cone.

The a-holes at The Sydney Morning Herald are something else. They think it's not outing if you tell someone you're going to out them in 2 days forcing them to do it themselves? And then they think they've been unfairly scooped? How? I'm certain she knew the scoop before they did.

My wife wrote this novella like a whole pandemic ago. I'm super psyched it's finally available as a standalone because Cassidy is my favorite character Elle Spencer has written. Sometimes I randomly quote her. She's a total mess in the funniest way. amazon.com/dp/B0B11QX4VZ/…

My best friend got a charley horse during a pap smear. That is all.

Yesterday my parents went to Pride in their town. We weren't there. They didn't mention it ahead of time. They just went. Because they're proud and they know what allies look like. We love it. 🏳️‍🌈🌈🏳️‍🌈

My wife just told me her mom sent her to kindergarten with a bouffant and now she can't produce a photo and I think I have every right to be upset.

Some of you are aware that my wife is highly critical of how I eat corn on the cob. She once called it "sociopathic." I would like to introduce my counterpoint: How Elle Spencer Makes a Sandwich. I mean really. This is it. A sandwich in six acts.

Ok, Southwest Airlines. My "call can't be completed as the called party is temporarily unavailable." Phone, email, web, mobile, Twitter -- useless. You checked us in to a flight we can't take because WE DROVE HERE. Maybe give the seats to someone trying to get home?

I miss the days when Twitter was a happy place where I just trolled my wife. Anyway, Southwest Airlines, still no refund for the flight you cancelled on Christmas. And still no word on the reimbursement request I filed weeks ago.