Just saw an elderly man use his BJ's membership to get two cases of Miller Lite, a handle of Poppov, three pack of mouthwash, and almonds. They don't make 'em like they used to.

Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/Co-DdnhOllU/…

Absolutely unreal.

Just got a "thanks, but no thanks" email from my previous job application to Tinder. Some of my friends have found their spouses on Tinder, yet the app itself has now swiped left on me.

One of the worst parts about cancel culture is not being able to sing "The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted" song with my windows down anymore

Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/Cpfke9COS5u/…

Did my school admin really think having a lockdown (school shooting) drill today was the right choice?

Phillies are back and I finally don't have to wear a mask to the dentist anymore. Let Freedom Ring!

Why didn't anybody ever tell me that there's way more sexy women at Whole Foods than at ShopRite?

*drinking a protein shake during class* Student: ARE YOU DRINKING BREAST MILK?! Happy Teacher Appreciation Week

Wore a Steely Dan shirt last night and a woman yelled "STEELY DAN" as soon as I walked on stage. Either I'm in love or I've made the big time. And in perfect timing, this book arrived today.

The amount of strollers at breweries is infuriating

I usually don't post stuff like this on social media, but after months of grinding and saying no to social events... I can now proudly say I am Elden Lord! Hide your wives and girlfriends because I'm about to be walking knee-deep in women with this news.

Hoagiefest used to mean something in this country

Recently I've been hitting up all these hiring managers I've networked with over these last few months to see if they still want me and it feels like I'm snapchatting old Tinder flings

Never read Kurt Vonnegut and someone lent me Slaughterhouse Five. Now I can finally be as pretentious as I want to be!

Gotta love the Eagles running the push sneak as much as possible to flip off the NFL rules committee on national TV

Thank god there wasn't social media in November of 1963

Jake Elliott should learn from Zane Gonzalez and fix his hair 73 times before a kick