Why is the sky blue? Because nobody bothers to ask about its feelings.

I a human being, the top of the food chain, earth's alpha predator! wasp: Fuck Off me: yep! OK then!

How long is a typical celebration? About yay long.

Why does Donald Trump cry after sex? Mostly its the pepper spray

Been kind of an odd day, first I found a hat full of money then some guy with a guitar chased me for like 4 blocks before I got away. Some days you just can't tell whats gonna happen next!

Old MacDonald had a dolphin E-E-E-E-E

Exactly ZERO kids have died this year from being read to by drag queens...

youtube.com/watch?v=WXPGPx…

Just at the store, a woman cut in front of me, she didn't say a word to me, just cut in front of me I glanced in her cart and saw a box of tampons a quart of ice cream and a bottle of wine.... I am NOT putting my life on the line to get back in front of her!

We all should be nicer to the people who wear glasses, they literally paid money to see you!

One sunny day in January an old man crossed Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench, and walked up toward the White House. He said to the Marine standing guard, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.“ The Marine looked at the man and said,

the formula to measure the area of a pun is Length time wit!

I owned a submarine shop once, but it went under.

Play that funky music...

don't you hate it when you thought you had a good idea, and then just as they are putting the cuffs on...

When was the last time you immediately regretted something you said? #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmm

if my calculations are correct, switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring ur policy to State Farm, then switch to Progressive... insurance will be free!

Who named the sperm whale? Seamen. #DocAfterDark