Might have to start including a description of my ailments or sundry troubles in his Christmas cards, by way of retaliation. Banker wanker

Take a look at this a thread. What a straight-up shithead

Just been to see The Curious Incident at the Picadilly. Good play, feel like I've done a round or two in the ring with Rocky, mind.

On a happy note, did see a man striding along in a pork pie hat. Kentish town. Wish I had that confidence

Whoever sent that to Heidi Allen knows how to use hyphens and learnt how to write in fairly distinct handwriting. Which frankly makes it all the more depressing somehow. Disgusting and cowardly.

This classic will never get old 😂📸

What a line

Citizens of Europe, I am addressing you because time is of the essence. elysee.fr/emmanuel-macro…

Gym refurb is all a bit Tron. All 3 floors of it like this. Would you be surprised if I were to tell you that, frankly, it puts me in a bad mood?

Yesterday, I was boasting how I'd not had a cold since getting a Nutribullet. Today, I've a stinking cold. Lessons learned etc.

A grieving Australian town plans a public farewell for a 16ft “gentle giant” crocodile whose decades of protecting residents from other crocs came to an end in a hail of bullets thetimes.co.uk/article/austra…

I think my drink has been spiked

Yeah but they're probably reality TV contestants. Or doggers maybe

Terrifying

Still with the spoon. Stretching the boundaries of transferable skills, imo. Why doesn't he limber up with something more manageable first. Like the Severn Bridge, say. See how that goes and take it from there

Some good news. Just found some Creme Egg ice cream in the freezer.

Might have the whole tub of Creme Egg ice cream. You can hate me if you want, it's fine

Scratched off 40 lotto cards and won 4 quid. How reassuringly average

Listening to other parents grumbling about the time constraints of having kids when they have both sets of their parents alive, willing and on-hand as-and-when really massages my zen. By which I obviously mean burns my arse

Found Corbyn's outrider for his ministerial motorcade