Report any suspicious packages to the authorities and then text me a picture of them.

Safety Tip: Get your safety tips from social media.

Safety Tip: Don't say 'hashtag' in conversation. You'll get beat up.

Bathroom Safety: Hundreds of people slip and die in the shower every year. That's why I only bathe outdoors.

Bathroom Safety: Lock the door even when you're peeing. There's a lot of weirdos out there.

Shopping Safety: You don't have to pay for any food you eat before you leave the store.

Bathroom Safety: Don't use somebody else's towel. That's how the plague started.

Bathroom Safety: Go easy on that toilet paper, it's not free.

Outdoor Safety: Don't play near downed power lines. There are no pizza parties for dead people.

Outdoor Safety: Don't climb mountains. Nobody ever falls to their death from a flat sidewalk.

Shopping Safety: Run directly from your car to the store to avoid any parking lot crimes.

Shopping Safety: Always grab a cart even if you only need one thing. You may need it to ram someone.

Shopping Safety: Most shoplifting can be excused as 'an honest mistake' if you have a nice face.

Shopping Safety: When it comes to shoplifting, don't let them take you alive.

Shopping Safety: Find an insider or a checkout girl you can manipulate, it'll pay dividends.

Bicycle Safety Tip: Drive a car.

Shopping Safety: Never use self-checkout, that's how the robots know what you're buying.

Bicycle Safety Tip: Make sure you wear a brightly colored helmet. But not too bright, you don't want your friends to see you wearing it.

Skateboarding Tips: Practice your ollies. Avoid cops. I got to my first X-Games qualifier following those two steps... and several bribes.

Skateboarding Safety Tip: You probably can't land that rail but you should film it either way.