I watched the Wimbledon men’s final. I’m listening to the Red Sox on the radio. I’m going to watch the Celtics summer league game later. Can you tell I’m desperate for football?

At least we don’t have to tip the dentist

Renaming my son Epstein List.

New Alkaline Trio song God bless America sorta

I’ve already forgotten the Coldplay thing

I found the best one

Ozzy died for our sins.

He’s not dead. Wrestling is fake.

Nobody talks about how the Ewoks were going to eat Luke, Han and Chewbacca.

If you're 5'2" or shorter your pronouns are imma / little / teapot

*adds #32 jersey to cart*

BIG BIG NEWS!!! My movie “Tom Dustin: Portrait of a Comedian” is now officially available. You can purchase it for $6. Or if you’re feeling kooky you can get tons of bonus extras with the movie for $9. This is the best thing I’ve ever made. Get it. Enjoy. Tell a friend.

Give me back that golden ticket, Charlie. You took it from me.

Wow, this is crazy. Mac Jones gets the start for the Niners.

I wouldn’t know how the open mics were last night. I don’t go to open mics.

MILTON FUCKING WILLIAMS

Just thinking about Drake Maye and the game he had

Who made this? 😂

Any good coffee reccs in Riyadh?

Release the Epstein files.