Welcome to parenthood, you will now spend most of your day yelling up the stairs to your kids

"I married the man of my dreams" I whisper to myself as I shave his back for the 3rd time this month

Watched my teens play an epic game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor", which ironically should've been called "Break a lamp, knock a picture off the wall and give yourself a concussion while diving for a balloon"

The gap in my resume...oh well, I've been a therapist, a driver, a cook, a maid, a loan officer and a tailor to name a few things, but you can just write "parenting" if there's no space left

My favorite thing about having a teen is always knowing where I stand with them and it's "OMG! Pretend you don't know me, we're in public!" distance away

One minute you're excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you're reading about a field trip that costs $140

I'm not saying that I'm scared of my teen, I'm just saying that she might need an exorcism

My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea I’ll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who's turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don't lie

Damn fine indeed! Glorious! Daisy picked you, @idontspeakwhine. Great choice! x.com/idontspeakwhin…

Watching Toy Story 3 and I’ve realized all the baby dolls in my house look just like Big Baby.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Watching someone you thought you knew fall apart, muttering, shouting at nothing. But it’s my husband watching football.

"it's just like riding a bicycle" Oh cool the one vehicle I've crashed the most

Can someone explain why the hell every single place for children opens at 10 or even 11 am??? Like I have been up since 5:15. I have lived five lives and made two meals by TEN AM.

Found the mail key. #toddlers

I like to lead into stories I tell my wife with “here’s something you’ll find vaguely interesting” just so she knows she’s getting my best stories

Decided to liven up the scrambled eggs this morning by adding a little spinach. Follow me for more tips on how to ruin an 8yo’s life.

Hello. Young kids back in school are so sick right now. Everyone with a preschooler has an entire household of sleepless viral cough snot fevers for the past two months without a fucking break. So if you know a parent going through this, be kind and gently hit them with your car.

In the pursuit of social entertainment, my 3 yo has kindly invited her friend over to see her bag of frozen corn.