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I can't wrap my head around workplaces that say stuff like, "We don't want to hire people who are just here for a pay-check". Like, you think we're all here giving up 8+ hours of our time every day just for the vibes.

The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the debit card...it was too late, and I was already being escorted out of Walmart.

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life while, Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

How did the inventor of the calendar know what day it was?

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions. I said, "Wait! This isn't what you think it is!"

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm. l couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted. Turns out that is 9 pm.

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Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable. I can always count on them

When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights.

My doctor said I need to schedule some time for exercise so I've pencilled in 3:00 to 3:15pm on September 7th 2026... tentatively.

I started jogging today. I didn't want to, but the Ice Cream Truck didn't stop.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park. So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

Sometimes you just gotta sit in the car and let the song finish.

I did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 97. And live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Been a pretty weird day today... First off, I found a hat full of money. Then I got chased by an angry man with a guitar.