Marks and Spencers new Christmas advert states "That it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S". They're right too. It'd be Chrita

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!” I think it was Farmer Geddon.

My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn’t stop singing I’m a believer. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face

I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste?. "No, I always dress like this", I replied.

Took the wife's Valentines present back today. She said she wanted something black and lacy. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards” Me: “and?”

If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get “Gnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means... Absolutely nothing.

What do you call a horny square? An erectangle.

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.

Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic. Me: But my name isn’t David. Doctor: I know. I’m David.

Shop assistant: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on? Psychic: I'm a medium.

Insomnia is awful. On the plus side, only two more sleeps until Christmas.

What's a mathematician's favourite Christmas snack? A mince π.

Did you know that Santa has a tenth reindeer, Olive? She's mentioned in Rudolph's song "Olive the other reindeer..."

New regulations say Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt at all times when they're on the sleigh. It's elfin safety gone mad.

The jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop & exchanged it for another one. Free of charge.

Got sent a message saying I am not allowed to make Dad Jokes if I am not a Dad. Apparently its a faux pa.

I asked my wife when her birthday was. She said "March 1st" So I walked around the room and asked again.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”