Just found out that the stick figure decals on the back window's of vehicles are NOT pedestrian 'kill' scores. I will be removing mine ASAP

If she don't want you eating bacon! #time2bail

I need some #followers tell your friends to #follow

I majored in liberal arts, will that be for here or to go? #fastfood

I wonder if the clothes in China say, "made around the corner"

Dear McDonalds employee last time I checked there is no age limit on a Happy Meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy. #fastfood

I'm pretty sure my neighbor thinks I'm a stalker she wrote on her Facebook, Twitter and both her diaries

I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

No PornHub I would not like to share this video with freinds and family on Facebook.

Whenever I feel depressed with myself about how my life turned out, I just go visit the local Walmart and instantly begin to feel better

The most terrifying thing a woman can say to a man is: "Notice anything different about me?" #truth #women

If only the Dollar Store sold gasoline

Any psychic who dies from anything other than old age sucks!

When I die I want to be buried with some random animal bones just to confuse future archaeologist

Hundreds of kids each year get shipped of to Mime Boarding School, never to be heard from again.

I think I was mistaken when my boss told me she likes to see me 'hard' at work.

DiGiorno should start delivering pizza just to screw with people

I selling tin foil hats, time machines and flux capacitors if anyone is interested please #retweet and I will send you a price list.

Why do people who buy energy drinks seem to have the least amount of shit going on? #fact

My boss said he is leaving early today. What a coincidence so am I