Needed booze, so I decided to hock my typewriter. I walked for miles only to find that all the pawnshops were closed for Yom Kippur. FML

I finally get married, quit my job, and then some guy I put away comes to town to kill me. Oh, and my new wife? She's a Quaker. FML

I meet this cute blonde chick on a tropic isle, I fall in love, and the next thing I know, I'm chained to a stage in New York. FML

How did I end up in this lake? I just wanted to pass the time by playing a little solitaire. FML

I spend years wooing this rich widower, only for him to run off with a guitar-playing nun. FML

The most important man in town gets murdered, and my idiot deputy arrests a detective from Philadelphia. FML

The road is bumpy, the doctor is drunk, and Geronimo is on the loose. What a great place to go into labor. FML

Prison truck crashes and I make my escape, except I'm shackled to a bigot who can't stand my singing. FML

This preacher I married doesn't want to beget any children with me. FML

I hate this one guy, so why do I think that he's the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life? FML

Years spent looking for the girl, and now she's gone squaw. And the half-breed I'm ridin' with won't let me shoot her. FML

The guy I was supposed to meet never showed. But he sent a crop duster in his place... a crop duster with a machine gun. FML

I broke out of jail, I'm hiding from the law, and now I have to listen to these two bicker? At least let me out of this desk. FML

I've loved him for years, I bore his son, and I never asked him for anything... but would it kill him to at least remember my name? FML

My mom's locked up, everyone makes fun of me, and after just one night of drinking, I wake up in a tree. FML