The Dave’s bread package guy is marrying my mom and wants me to call him dad. F that!

“I am cutting the most luxurious cheese the world has ever known. This is first class flatulence which, until now, has only been enjoyed by kings and heads of state.”

“Where was OJ?!?!” — someone after next year’s Oscars “In Memoriam.”

Truth Social stock furiously chewing gum to force ears to pop.

I’ve heard “Saturday Night” by The Bay City Rollers 3x over the past 3 days. Did I suppress my assassination trigger song?

Witness the twin disciplines of MAGA Toady and Nepo Baby in perfect sync.

Go to bed, Middle East!

I hope Conan isn’t bummed when Benny Hill or somebody starts trending tomorrow.

Could we ask someone who knows how to tie a bow tie?

“Guys? This is really fucking stupid.” — what some member of The Doors should have said while recording the “Mr Mojo Rising” run.

It’s important to point out that the show should have been called The Golden Widower as someone who has been married cannot be a “bachelor.” Also it’s a cooler title.

Kato sadly affixes mourning shroud to mullet.

OJ reunited in hell with Leslie Nielsen! (He was sent there for his “fart machine” period.)

Today isn’t the time to make this about politics!

(Clears throat) Did he… did he have any last words?

THIS ONE HURTS! — Kato Kaelin, just now. (He’s on the toilet and hasn’t read the news yet)

Text chain of the surviving “Dancing Itos” blowin up!

Do we all get the day off?

John McCain’s daughter sing me the song of the working class!

An elderly man in a Beatles wig has thoughts about reproductive rights.