Quick question, guys: Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

My kid threatened to hold his breath until I gave him dessert. He passed out on the bedroom floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

If you saute your kale in coconut oil, it makes it much easier to scrape into the trash.

*Follow me for more cooking tips*

All kidding aside, let me express my appreciation for yet ANOTHER graphic made for me from my dear, sweet, talented Crissy, Crissy the Fireball Angel 🔥😇. You rock, girl!

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

I hate it when I'm trying to eat a salad, it accidentally falls in the trash, and I have to eat tacos instead.

Just because Siri said 'In 400 feet, stop and let me out' does NOT mean I'm a bad driver!

And it's not funny that someone hung a guardian angel on my rearview mirror!

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, but you can eat lasagna in the shower if you want to. It's not illegal. They can't arrest you.

Go and be free!

Liberals: Nobody should own a house like this.

Conservatives: Everyone should own a house like this.

One minute I'm just driving along, the next minute I'm hungry like a wolf.

Boss: 'You're fired!'

Me: *hands in my gun and badge*

Boss: 'You're a nurse, where did you get those?'

{Home Depot staff meeting}

Boss: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

Me: *tightening my green karate belt*

Probably someone pretty strong.

👇🏻please follow and repost👇🏻

#WickedMadnessParty 🥳🍻

Birthday Party Edition 🎈

Please help us wish a lovely patriot a very happy 24th birthday!

Georgina 💋 💃🎂

If you don't follow her you really should!

Sincerely
Wicked 😈

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister Kurplop Boing

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them

Me: *Gets something in eye*

Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too