Teen me: I just wanna find a guy who's nice and hot and smart.

50s me: Who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise? No weirdos.

Idea: A cooking competition where all the contestants make whatever they want but my son wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of whatever drawer they need

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since

👋👋 Friends? Would you follow a friend of mine? 🇺🇸Kalliope🇺🇸 had a massive following on tiktok but was banned which makes her a must add in my book! Tysvm ❤️❤️👋👋

Biden's dad should've stained the sheets instead of staining society.

That forehead though...I bet she dreams in IMAX. 😂😂😂😂

You're the human version of sleeping on the wet spot, you POS.

Me: All I'm saying is we should all get to take turns being the center of attention.

Funeral Director: Ma'am, this is a funeral

If there was a market for bad ideas, I'd want drilling rights to this a$$hole's head. 😂😂😂

He's an ok looking guy, but I'd have to put a bag over that personality. 😂😂😂😂

Goldi 🌺 Mr.Patriot Party time! 🥳🍻

Got Mr.Patriot

Nice find Goldi 🌺 😇

Wicked Dog 😈👍🇺🇲

Found my phone in the toilet last night. I wasn't sure which one of my munchkins put it there...until I scrolled through my pictures. 😂

THIS IS J-FER J-fer !! HE HAS 2518 FRIENDS!! CAN WE GET THIS PATRIOT PAST 2700 FRIENDS!! HE FOLLOWS BACK!!

Great long time friend of mine right here folks!
Veteran, father & Patriot!🇺🇸
Joseph Collins

A long time ago, an engineer decided he hated children and wanted to watch them burn.

RebelJyn TRUMP KINGDOM FIGHTER 🇺🇸Lady Vet Guitano Valentino Pronouns =GFY Bubba3030 Thomas O'Connor '62 baby, #GodBlessAmerica 🇺🇲 NoneOfYourBusiness2 🍇 🖤⚔️ 𝑨𝒅𝒂🌹𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒓 ⚔️🖤 Phaedra 🗣Virgo4Justice🇺🇸👮‍♂️🇮🇱🔥#🟦 Scooby-Doo Too ♡ 𝓙𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓮 ♡🌿🌷🌿💋😘 GT SD Jack’s 🐰🐰 🕊Redeemed🕊 Ray 🇺🇸 Rinko ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 Tosca Austen Miss Mona wmdarkmoor Javier Marín 💞 𝒲ℋℐ𝒮𝒫ℰℛ 💞( 𝓐𝓵 ) 🥰 Party time! 🥳🍻

Thank you RebelJyn 😇💖

Wicked Dog 😈👍🇺🇲

Friend, fidgey baby is not Willie Wonka had to start over. Can we get her some new followers and friends to talk to? She follows back 🇺🇸

Today is the three-year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering. 😂😂😂😂

Currently helping my son search his room for his Snickers Bar that I stole and ate during the night. 😂😂😂😂

I just ate a Snickers and I'm still a bitch.

Total bullshit