I want to become a Urologist just so I can have a business card that says: Urine trouble? You’re in trouble.

Sure wish I could explore Sacramento on my one afternoon off. WHY YOU GOTTA BE BROKEN jumpbikes ? Just let me make an account 😭😭😭

In case you guys were wondering what living in New York is like, I just got catcalled in Target...by a Target employee.

Colton: Hannah G. So romantic when your boyfriend calls your name like you’re in Kindergarten. #TheBachelor

“What if we gave every mom an absolute dumptruck ass” -pixar

Ready to see some great theatre (courtesy of aimeeshira ) with songs by my boy Billie Joe Armstrong instagram.com/p/-aBLX7xsuG/

Loved running into BJA and this super sweet ladyface at "These Paper Bullets!" Everyone please run… instagram.com/p/-aWw3MRsnU/

@imatoofbrush that's a pretty accurate list of acceptable gifts for me as well

Last night I dreamt I met Courtney Act but woke up & got sad. Then I remembered she's performing in NY but I don't have tix and am sad again

And sometimes you become a blackjack dealer at a Cuban-themed corporate holiday event. #hitme @… instagram.com/p/_Ifr2mxssr/

Saudi Arabia voted 17 women into office in first elections to allow female participation. nbcnews.com/news/world/fir…

If you haven't driven through the mountains of New Mexico blasting Enrique Iglesias' "Hero" in a while, you should. Shit's super fun.

Congrats on a great run of Lazarus to @Nic_NAC16 and Michael Esper !!! Happy closing! ❤️

Just took my false lashes off on the train ride home so essentially I'm killin it tonight.

Considering the #easter story - why don't we call it "Don't trust your mates Thursday"?

Holy balls, I've never wanted a shirt more. x.com/chris_meloni/s…

Today I saw the incomparable RuPaul pass by underground. I was speechless &he grabbed my shoulder and smiled so...that's it guys. I peaked.

My 32 min commute home turned into an HOUR AND 20 MIN, despite reporting "good service." I mean this sincerely: GO FUCK YOURSELVES, MTA

Turns out in church, when they say “He is Risen” you’re not supposed to yell back “How Risen is He?!” #Easter