Who else just absolutely can not sleep with socks on?

"Measure once, cut twice." I don't think this dyslexic carpenter is going to work out.

Tripping over an object, then verbally abusing it.

Never chase anyone. A person who appreciates you will walk with you.

I like you because we both hate the same people.

My wife and I are getting along great at the moment. She's not home.

I'd rather enter the hunger games than get up early and go to school on a Monday.

I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.

Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar

No, I don't want to come to your cat's birthday party...you freak. My dog's getting married that weekend.

Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.

If I were a famous president I would totally use money as photo I.D.

Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?

Bette Davis hasn't been in a good movie in a really long time

Google: I know everything. Facebook: I know everyone. Internet: Without me, you're nothing. Electricity: Keep talking fools.

Me: Okay it's 7AM. Me: I should get up. Me: Just five seconds. Me: Five minutes. Me: Five hours. Me: Five days. Me: Five years

Study high, take the test high, get high grades.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

What we should really fear is unidentified landing objects.

Don't say you miss me when you don't even try to talk to me.