Hello beautiful!

Don’t tell me not to eat raw cookie dough because there is literally no other reason for me to buy it.

The heart takes its chances.

I hum the X-Files intro when I cum

Depression is a thief that steals the colors from your world, leaving you to navigate a landscape of endless gray, desperately searching for a glimmer of hope in the shadows of your own mind

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

I hate feeling guilty about buying myself something that I enjoy, but that didn’t stop me from making the purchase. I deserve it.

I think I found tomorrow’s project.

I’ve decided to take tomorrow off and catch up on my snacking and napping.

You worked hard today. You deserve a microwaved hotdog.

My wife's just sitting here eating chips and spicy salsa at 9 pm like she's young or something.

Nobody:

Burger King: Let’s call it a Whopper Jr. so everybody knows our sandwiches fuck.

My son just told his girlfriend to calm down.

Should I tell him or let him learn?

First Date Idea: We go to the LEGO store and see what happens.

Ummmm…Need!

Surround yourself with people who ground you through the chaos.

The penguin said nope.. 😂

If random people need another reason to hate me I don't need an alarm clock to wake up

Flight Attendant: Is there a doctor on the plane?!

Me: *Remembering I’ve played a doctor in several pornos* Show me his penis!

This little chipmunk just woke up!