I now have a 3 year old. Aged 3 years and 1 day he woke me up shouting DADDY WHAT IS THIS DINOSAUR CALLED. Such a clichè.

Son had an accident during tea so I've just spent a lovely few minutes cleaning baked beans and piss off my mom's dining room chair.

I think the toddler mafia is sending me a message.

Playing doctors with my son. Thorough examination included checking my heart (which was fine) and looking in my ear (which was "full of toys"). Treatment consisted of an injection into my face and an assurance that I am "All better now". I'll let you know.

Latest entry in the World's Worst Baby Change competition 2018.

Really proud today to work at the Telegraph, which has just announced that all new parents, dads included, will be entitled to six months' paid parental leave.

A new record I think - 19 odd toddler socks.

Just dropped the youngest for her taster hour at nursery which means only one thing - shared parental leave is almost at an end and it's back to reality again.

So in Andy's prehistoric adventures, what's happened to Hattie?

Being ultra masculine in B&Q. #papoosegate

Loads of butter in everything?

Last day of a glorious six months' shared parental leave. Back to the grind tomorrow.

Wonderful morning for a long walk, attempted bark rubbing, feeding the ducks (throwing oats in their eyes) and treading in goose poo.

Asked my 3yo what Daddy did at work. "Decorating" "What else?" "Drinking?"

This raises serious questions about the levels of recidivism in this country.

Me: Right time for sun cream. My 3yo:

Inventive game of make believe with my 3yo this morning. 3: Let's play shopkeepers!! Me: OK, I'd like some.... 3: NO YOU'RE THE SHOPKEEPER. Me: Oh OK what would you like to buy? 3: Nothing. [Walks off]

CANNOT overstate the importance of integrated transport systems in maximising investment efficiency.