Sweet Sherman

The Army-Navy game is so special because everyone on the field may one day be asked to blow up a narco boat. 🇺🇸

Theodore

I tried to spell endearment and I was so far off that my phone didn't even know what to suggest.

My late grandpa used to refuse to look in the mirror. Humble man, terrible driver.

Mickey and Teddy

I'm willing to represent Arkansas or Texas in the upcoming Hunger Games the White House recently announced.

I’ve traveled the world and will continue to but I believe more and more that the USA is the greatest patch of dirt on the planet, and nowhere else comes close. I said what I said. 🇺🇸

I’m not here to brag but a TSA agent shouted crotch alert as I walked through the scanner.

Looking at my Capital One balance after 8 days away:

Landed in Austin. Glory Hallelujah.

Picked up my boys first thing!

I lost 11 pounds in Iceland. I'm mentally ill, so I weigh myself every day. I used to say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” Now I know that’s not actually true because horse was literally on the menu.

I’ve experienced and seen a lot of loss in 2025. I just want to remind everyone that when I pass, I'd like my remains to be scattered across national parks, but please don't cremate me.

Make 2026 the year you don't join my gym!

I’ve done nothing but eat for 2 days. I’ve missed high fructose corn syrup and bioengineered food so much.

Speaking of Maduro being carried off, I’d like to remind the universe I’m still wide open to being abducted by aliens.