I'm Peter Purves, former presenter of Kick Start, Blue Peter, and darts coverage before those bastards at Sky swallowed it up.

I've decided to get on Twitter before any of my chums from the old days join the bandwagon. I'm still a competitive as ever, you see!

Damn, it seems Val Singleton is already on here. Strange, she seems to be living in California these days http://twitter.com/CaliCallGirl

Bloody hell! She's taken to writing saucy literature. I wonder if there's any tales about what her and Princess Anne got up to...

My secretary has just taxed me to say that it's a different Valerie Singleton. Apparently Val doesn't tweet. Or write softcore erotic tales.

Coh, dearie me... I wrote "taxed" instead of "texted" in my last tweet. Hahahahaha, what a faux pas. Bloody marvellous.

Anyway, off to bed now. But no funny business. Mrs. Purves has rationed me to twice a month (except February).

Received a message from the ECB! Does this finall mean the call up I've craved since I was a small boy polishing up his balls?

What a load of bloody rubbish. It's some advert for some young hoodlum's autobiography. I mean, who the hell is Stuart Broad?

I haven't watched any test cricket since the Gatting/Shakoor Rana scandal of 1989. It hurts too much.

Trying to find the Camshafter on Twitter but he doesn't seem to have an account. He's our bloody PM, for Christ's sake! It's a disgrace!

I got the bugger elected - the least he could do is share some trivialities from his daily life to a few million internetters.

Baron Obama has a Twitter account, so why doesn't the Shafter? I'd ring him up if he hadn't had all his numbers mysteriously disconnected.

Speaking of the Shaft, I saw on TV that his wife does his daughter's homework for her. It's a bloody disgrace - how will she learn anything?

There's a horse looking in through my living room window.

I live in the centre of Leamington Spa.

Just got an email addressed to "Peter Perves." Never seen that before.

The horse has gone to sleep (standing up, of course). Mrs. P is kicking off about it.

I'm all in favour of International Woman's Day: #IWD. Or in the case of Valerie Singleton, #IDEFINITELYWD - and did.

Mrs Purves just saw me on the TV with Noakes & some fella from the Shadows called Ringo. #totp (Mrs P advised me to put this "harsh-tag")