You know when you're at a fancy hotel and they've got a bidet and then you find out it's not a bidet it's the water fountain in the lobby

I’m gonna be the first person to get CTE from doing the dodgem cars too much

I got kicked out of a psychic mediums house for counting tarot cards. I was signalling to people "we got a hot deck here"

I haven't done any comedy on cruise ships but I have had a few people laugh at me on my pool noodle in the public pool

Developing a hunchback so the angel and devil on my shoulders can use it as a shared verandah

Using one of those floss picks feels like I’m playing the violin on my gums

Another 007 movie!!

I can't click the "I'm not a robot" button till I've had my morning coffee!!

I've got vertigo cause I was conceived in a revolving restaurant

I don’t do nangs I just get up from a bean bag real quick

Some people think their life’s a movie I think mines an infomercial for diahhroea medication

I got a save the date from an autistic friend recently. He's not having a wedding he just really likes the look of the date and thinks I should save it.

I wish I could find a two step ladder that would make me as happy as this couple!

Good news! I had the footage of my vasectomy graded to be in black and white and it's now getting produced by a24 films!

Bart Simpson said “eat my shorts!” I personally hope you eat UP my shorts, YouTube shorts that is.

People think the only two options are fight or flight but theres a third one. It's fight, flight or get a quick petition going with enough signatures to convince the guy who's trying to bash you that he shouldn't do it.

Hoping the people at the airport can’t tell the difference between a neck pillow and a haemorrhoid cushion

If I had a time machine I'd go back in time and find a cafe that has soup so I can find out the soup of the day of the day

I'm a tennis coach so I don't have a big net worth but I do know how much nets are worth

How did I sleep last night? Let's just say I was in charge of salad and sausages cause I was tossing and turning!