We should get "WhatsApp Wrapped" stats. - You were added to 47 groups! - You left 46 groups! - Your most common typo is "z" instead of a kiss. - You sent 268 hours of voicenotes to 3 people! - Your most commonly used phrases were "5 mins late" "closer to 30" and "I'm pooping!"

Context is important. To us, astronomers are impressive scientists. But to stars, they're perverts.

Tissues are the thinnest you can slice a tree. They're basically wood carpaccio.

YES!!! SUCKIT Matt Parker !!! I have one!!!

ME: Alright. Time for bed. G'night brain. BRAIN: WAIT! Quick question before you switch me off... ME: ... BRAIN: Remember that flash-animation song about the horse? ME: ...yeah. BRAIN: How did it go again? ME: Look at my horse, my horse is amazi- F**K YOU BRAIN BRAIN: 😈

Bec Hill Sorry. 😬

What happened to Peter Parker is farfetched, even for comic books. I mean, sure, being bitten by an active spider is believable, but I've never heard of someone being bitten by a radio - let alone at the same time.

SHOCKED to learn that NONE of my trans friends are Olympic athletes. NOT ONE!!! It's almost as if what sporting events people think they should and shouldn't be allowed to compete in shouldn't bear any weight on the validity of their existence or basic human rights...

On the train and I’ve just heard the “HELLO MOTO” ringtone. Fascinating. Like a relic from a bygone era, an ancient song. The lady answered and said “Just letting you know I’m on the bus” even though we’re on a train. Magnificent few seconds.

favorite subreddit I’ve discovered in a long while, /r/thatsabooklight, where people point out the mundane origins of movie props

MUM: What's the name of that drug you give someone to make them forget something? ME: Uh... hmm.. I can't remember. MUM: Oh good, it's worked. She laughed way too hard after she said this.

"Whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," was a dickhead." - my Mum

I love Emille 😭

IYKYK

Kids in our Assembly Festival audience are telling Bec Hill what super powers they'd want. Invisibility! Flight! Potato touch! Where everything you touch turns into a potato! But only vegetables or trees, not people, no desire to potato-ise their family!

On the off-chance any of my old crew are still on here - I'm doing my first Ed Fringe show in 6 years! Last night (first of my run) sold out, so please prebook via Gilded Balloon to avoid disappointment! Xxx

I love captions so much that I'm basically a dom. Because I'm always turning on subs 😎😎😎

I can't be the only person who immediately thought of this.