Justin Timberlake on the radio. Daughter - “Why are we listening to this?” Me - “ Don’t be sacrilegious on Easter”. #truestory

The fact my oldest already knows up to the letter C of Blackalicious’s Alphabet Aerobics means I am doing everything right as a parent.

Has anyone checked on the little old woman who lived in a shoe and her children?

There is a special place in hell for people that use speakerphone in public.

Just want to say “you’re welcome” to all the other homes in my Georgia Power group - for insuring our average usage is way up. #itshotashell #whatdoyoukeepyourthermostaton #homelab

The excitement is building Yumbii

Driving my wife’s van, wearing a Metallica shirt I bought at Target listening to a playlist of pop songs covered by metal bands sums up my vibe right now.

I love having to show my receipt after using the self checkout at #walmart - it’s like a performance review for a job I don’t want and I am over qualified for.

The Venmo diagram of people who love #bucees and those that watch #yellowstone is just a circle.

Why am I getting targeted ads for 20 story cranes? I have been traveling all day - did I miss something?

My new favorite thing is checking the ride wait times at Walt Disney World during spring break from the comforts of home.

Packing underwear for a trip is weird - how many times do you plan on shitting yourself?

I am at the age where a Mountain Dew and pop tart for breakfast does more harm than good.

I don’t want to be filthy rich, just rich enough where I don’t feel concern over ordering food at a Disney restaurant.

Shout out to the Philadelphia Phillies and Kyle Schwarber for retrieving Matt Olson's 50th home run ball 🫡

The perfect way to play Bluey The Videogame: with a #Bluey Xbox! Follow and RT with #BlueyXboxSweepstakes for a chance to win a custom Official Bluey TV Xbox Series X & controller. Ages 18+. Ends 12/13/23. Rules: xbx.lv/47iZyTV

Buffalo chicken dip is the best when is it cooler than third degree burns but warmer than cold than cement.

I know that HOUSTON ENERGY didn’t come from the Texas power grid.

He must convince him to WHAT

It’s been 20 years, do you think Scottie at least has a hunch? #scottiedoesntknow