Someone looked at me the other day and said, "WHAT is your problem???" and I said, "A train leaves NY traveling west 520mph. Meanwhile, an east-bound train leaves SF at 6am...."

I got a text from an ex asking if I was Robert. I replied, "No, this is Michael. Say hi to Robert for me." He texted back, "Which Michael? I know 5." I replied, "The one that thinks you're a douchebag." He replied, "That doesn't really narrow it down."

What the fuck is my human up to now????

This photo was taken by Oscar's new dogsitter while I was away. Clearly, he's skeptical. #Schnauzer

Quick question: Would you rather live in Yakima or San Diego?

I said to Oscar, "Hi, Madonna!" and Oscar said, "I'm NOT Madonna!"

Sorry, but I was not impressed with John Legend's contributions to "Time After Time" on the Cyndi Lauper concert special last night. He sung with such affectation, it made the song sound disingenuous.

At the end of the DEVO concert last night, the drummer threw his drumsticks into the audience, and I caught one!

I think I might have a poltergeist in my house. The other day, one of my glass plates just split down the middle. Okay, it had hot food on it and had been sitting on a cold surface, but science can't be the answer. It had to be supernatural.

SHIRLEY LOST HER SHIT Love them both!

I asked Oscar if he's a good boy, and Oscar said, "Yeah, I'm a good boy! What the fuck do you think???"

I played Oscar some B-52s music and Oscar said, "I'm NOT living in my own private Idaho!"

SHIRLEY LOST HER SHIT Well, I'm not.

Seriously considering changing Oscar's name to Little Vivian Pickles, Ms. Pickles for short.

SHIRLEY LOST HER SHIT I'm NOT Little Vivian Pickles, Ms. Pickles for short!

*Emerges from Twitter hiatus* *Sees Florida is trending* *Resumes hiatus*

I thought Sloppy Joe was a dude.

Oscar is the Schnauzerest Schnauzer from Schnauzermania.

Why do I need to see some dude's fried eggs?

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary