Criminal wine drinkers are sent to a pinot colony.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying 'steam me up, scotty' a few too many times

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

Your apology is noted.
Acceptance is pending.

the two wolves inside of me woke me up at 6 am demanding leftovers

If only the workout my eyes get from rolling all day could go straight to my abs

79% of watching TV with your wife involved adjusting the volume, and the remaining 21% is getting her snacks

Okay, let’s not kid ourselves. I basically just had Fancy Feast for my dinner.

erica orden Hugo Lowell Judge is contemplating the life choices he made to have to listen to this nonsense.

@jjackso0614 Love it! When Mini Angry was around that age, their favorite joke was ‘Why didn’t the zombie eat the clownfish?’

‘Because they TASTED FUNNY!!’

Then they would collapse in an adorable fit of toddler giggles.

There are no chicken ghosts, only poultrygeists.

The battle wasn't going very well for the classical composers, until Mozart showed up to save the day.

Amadeus ex machina.

a haunted house but there's a kid in every room who needs help with homework

What idiot called it a witch’s roof and not Hexual Ceiling

The establishment GOP finally officially waves the white flag — it’s now clear that the anti-woman, pro-insurrection ‘wing’ of the party is firmly in charge of this goat rodeo.

A positive mental outlook?

In THIS economy???

*watching James Blunt mouth 'not you' to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

I don’t know this modern music. I come from the pre-Malone days

the only way I can handle hearing about the news these days is getting it from the cat who hangs out on my side porch. every morning I ask him about the state of the world and he replies: “can’t complain” and then I go back inside until the next bulletin

Huh. Turns out Sidney Powell did release the kraken.

On Trump. 🤷‍♂️